Monkey Mind

This week has been a mammoth.

In fact it was a little unsettling. Until I read a Vesak weekend article about a Singaporean woman who has just taken vows as a nun, in a Buddhist monastery in Washington. She spoke eloquently of her journey towards a spiritual life, and at one point mentioned her realisation that her mind was filled with negativity. She referred to this as 'monkey mind'. It is a term that my old Aikido sensei used to use, and when I read it, a bell rang immediately.

This is the broad definition of the term: "unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable".

Essentially it is a mind which is not fully under the control of the thinker, bouncing from branch to branch, looking for different bananas. Or, in the case of my mind, cake and poop to throw at myself when I mis-step. (My monkey has an attitude problem).

So the week has been one of small steps. And that is not a bad thing. I am dipping my toes in first rather than leaping in full speed as I usually do. (There is another Buddhist term for this; the impulsive and galloping Horse mind). I have been eating very healthily at breakfast and lunch. And even this change has meant I feel a great deal more energy. I saw Liza again on Wednesday and along with several very useful ideas for snacks and meals, the conversations we are having are helping me to focus on what causes my overeating. As I suspected; its not exactly a simple thing.

The end of the working week saw me trudging my way (mentally anyway, physically I was whisked there in a taxi) to my first session with Sam. I admit that I was dreading it. Primarily because each time I start exercising after a long hiatus, I seem to have discovered a new level of not fitness previously undiscovered! but Sam! What a treasure! The backs of my legs are still sore but I don't mind, I had no idea how amazingly great it would be to have a trainer when I was exercising! I thought it would be more... well actually I don't know what I thought it would be, I think my monkey-demon-poop-thrower had stopped me from really visualising it.

So all in all, a lot of stuff has come to my attention this week. Stuff to do with my mother, with my relationship to food, with my own wellbeing. There are so many threads that I am not at all surprised that I am experiencing monkey mind. It has been a bit much, but it has also been at the right time, if that makes sense. It is incredible how resistant we are to change though, even when we are not happy with the status quo.

The weekend came, and Saturday saw me zipping about doing errands and then realising I had made a massive, giant balls up with a funds transfer. The kind that puts you in the red with no way out. I don't know how I could have been so silly and I spent most of Saturday night trying not to think about it. I am still masterfully zen minding it by thinking-not-thinking about it. This is a bad habit of mine.

Sunday was a day for tackling the apartment (ever noticed how tidy things get when you are avoiding doing something?). Which I suddenly recognised had become as disordered as my eating and my general level of calmness. I spent 7 hours scrubbing and cleaning and only got the living and dining areas done. I wrote a note for my helper. Rumpled it up. Wrote another note. Rumpled THAT one up too. Decided that I would have a chat with her. (Still haven't, this is a bit of an ongoing issue). The flip side of this was I felt properly worked out (I was really going for it housework-wise) and I do love the tidiness. It helps my mind settle.

Monday I was hot, flustered and tired. I rode my bike for a bit. Added sweaty to the hot and flustered. Went to bed, early, with a mild sense of resentment at myself for everything. Attempted to ignore the lack of order in my room. Another weekend.

So here I was today, on Tuesday, monkey minding my way through the day. And I had a proper, good, old fashioned bad eating day. I left no carb alone. I am writing it all out.

How to conquer the monkey? Well, not by dwelling on it. The monkey will be the monkey and I need to learn not to try and distract it. I have to be like water, as Bruce Lee would say. There is a lot of stuff rattling around in my life that is not ever properly finished. But despite all of this, I really, truly feel I can do this. Because even if I did have a long weekend full of stress and frustration and a general sense of not being in the 'zone', I have also been incredibly touched by the support I am getting. From strangers. From people until very recently were strangers; with a lot of experience and wisdom and the absolute right to expect payment for their time and services. It is amazing to me. I am so very grateful. I think I might actually deserve a break. And that is a pretty good place to start, right?