I have had the pleasure of being reminded that I know a lot of really supportive, thoughtful and sensitive people this week. It makes me happy. One friend read the blog I posted about KLS and pointed out that I am letting the negative nelly voice in my head have a bit of free reign.
I agree, but I also think that even though I am sometimes blogging up a pity-party storm, its important for me to keep developing the habit of blogging. Some people blog because they are experts about something, some blog because they think they are, some because they are super funny and some because they want to make money (can't figure out how that one works). I suspect a lot of people blog because they are writers and writers like or need or at the very least should write.
I don't really know where I fit in there yet. I know that writing is helpful to me. I also have fallen into a bit of a workaholic-crazy-overstuffed life and I am really attempting to be a bit more healthy. Healthy in the way I eat, sleep, exercise and just generally go about my life. I don't really think my blogging would interest many others, so I am not concerned if I don't have a wide readership or following. I am writing to myself, mostly. But I do want to get better at writing, develop a bit more discipline about writing on a daily basis, and to reflect more honestly on how my days are going.
When I was studying for my degree, the writing staff always gave the advice that the only way to improve your writing was to write. Obviously getting grammar, form and style are all important too - but it is the writing that makes writing better. If you don't write, you don't progress as a writer.
I am not sure how many other people are like me, in the sense that I have a lot of long conversations in my head. Not command hallucination conversations, just long winded monologues really. Often I catch myself thinking that I have summed something up beautifully. But then when I try to recall it later, it is of course gone. So clearly sitting my ass down to actually write is key here.
I learned to teach when 'reflective practise' was all the rage. It still is, and our school is implementing a whole range of exciting opportunities to engage in it. The fact that this mainly seems to involve going to more meetings is the downside. However, reflection is important. It is not just a good teaching habit, its a good life skill. Meditation is great too, but that is about emptying the mind. Reflection is about really mining your experiences and in a focused way, using it to reaffirm your self-belief by acknowledging what you did well, and looking constructively on what you can improve.
So THAT is why I started this blog. There is a certain sense of anxiety on my part to create something that is entertaining. I am not sure why, because a: I am relatively certain that almost all of my page-views are in fact me. And b: I learned a long time ago that if I laugh about myself first, it doesn't sting so much when others do. I am steadfastly ignoring the fear of non-entertainment because if I gave into it, I would not write a single word.
So the challenge I accepted was to only write positive things for a week. This is not a bad idea, as something in my Irish/ Scottish/ possibly Viking invader ancestry has a definite taste for sadness. I looked for a picture of a sad Viking on Creative Commons, but sadly most Vikings look to be having a lovely time while pillaging etc and there were a few men at parties with the horns on their helmet facing downwards. So I had to search for sad Irish pictures (mainly green cupcakes and people at football matches where their team was losing) and sad Scottish pictures (which were very confusing and involved a lot of leaping in fields). Seriously, google images has no control over its search parameters. No sad pictures today! Anyway, I was all about being positive, and I know for a fact that training your brain to think about stuff that went well is very very effective. I did the '3Goodthings Happiness experiment' a year ago and it worked (go here if you want to try it: https://www.facebook.com/thehappinessexperiment?fref=ts ). Accentuating the positive is a good habit.
But giving that negative voice some air is too. Because although we all say 'that little voice' we all know that he or she is not someone else. It's us. And it is often a very young us. It's the us that got knocked back before we really even knew who we were. Its child us. And children need to express fears. they need to be able to say 'I'm scared' out loud. And they need to know they are being heard, and that it is OK to be scared. The trick is, teaching yourself to answer like an adult, and not add more stress onto that young voice inside.
So yes, she will be popping her head up every now and then. But be assured, my wonderful supportive friends, I know she is quite often misguided in her worldview. I am just letting her say her piece. Eventually, I am hoping she will start to really truly believe that she is OK.
And as for this bloggy thing, who knows how it will evolve. I'll just keep an eye on it for now and see.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Fat Shamed by Kimora Lee Simmons
Each year the school I work in has a night of cultural dancing, food and market stalls. It’s a pretty big event, noisy, colourful and joyful. Students facilitate their own items, teaching each other a traditional dance from their own culture – sometimes with a modern twist, and often learning dances form other cultures. Some items are perfect and full of technical mastery. Some are not. They are all, without exception, filled with joy and the kind of magic, which only happens when you get 350 kids dancing in one place. The show is so popular, we run it three times in a row, so that everyone’s parents, grandparents, and friends might squeeze in. Even so many people miss out. It is exhausting, with a long build up and a lot of energy input. Things get fraught. Not enough sleep is had by anyone. Normal school life continues around it.
Last night, as I stood against one side of the hall, some people entered late. Not unusual, as the lightest smattering of rain can render taxi’s invisible and cause traffic gridlock on our tiny island, and we had just had a heavy downpour. They were talking loudly, which was unusual; because even though people sometimes come late and make a bit of noise finding a seat, it is all done with that kind of hunched over, apologetic shuffling in the dark. Actually only one of them was talking loudly, and she sounded a little like someone who has had one or two drinks and lost the volume control. (EDIT: People seem to have taken this to mean the lady concerned was drunk. And she was not, to my knowledge, intoxicated. She certainly wasn't staggering around shouting. She was just a little loud.) Eventually, the couple sat down nearby and the lady continued to talk really loudly, mimicking the dancers and commenting on them. It was low level, but I was tired and I love these kids and it’s not TV, performers can often hear chatter. Without thinking, I shot one of those laser beam ‘teacher looks’ over, the kind you use in assembly when someone is talking.
Now, the laser beam look is not something you should be shooting at another adult. It’s kind of rude and I should have actually done something more grown up, like politely asking her to be a bit quieter. Or maybe, just ignoring it. But the lady in question said to her partner that ‘That fat bitch is mad at me’.
That. Fat. Bitch. Is Mad At Me. I stared straight ahead, more upset than I have been in a long time. Was this a parent? I teach so many kids, I tried to imagine the horror of meeting her in a professional setting and hearing the words ‘fat bitch’ in my mind whilst talking to her. The man looked my way, and I leaned over and said as loud as I dared ‘It’s a live performance, the kids might hear you’. I actually doubt he could hear me, but I felt I had somewhat explained my grumpiness.
At the end of the show, I went outside and stood chatting to students. The word ‘bitch’ floating around in my head. I didn’t think my teacher look had been so bad, but I was standing next to some middle school girls and they were excited. There was a celebrity in the audience, and they were waiting to get autographs. Kimora Lee Simmons had come to see the daughter of a friend perform. The penny dropped. That’s why she looked familiar. As if summoned, she appeared in front of me.
I stepped towards her and started a sentence which, I will be honest, was about to be one of those terrible non apology things that amounted to “I’m not actually a bitch, I was just worried the kids would get distracted by the talking and sorry if I gave you a rude look’. Not stellar. But I was pretty annoyed about being called a bitch. It’s most definitely not a nice thing to say where I’m from. Or where I live now. Or anywhere, I think.
Before two words came out of my mouth her hand was in my face. ‘Don’t talk to me! You’re rude! You’re a bitch!’, she steps to one side and turns, then rounds on me with a vicious ‘And you’re FAT!’.
The Middle school girls were aghast. I looked at them and said ‘You still want her autograph?’. And I walked away.
You’re FAT.
Kimora Lee Simmons is wealthy, beautiful, and successful. She has had weight gains and losses, and she knows that the worst thing you can say to another woman is ‘you’re fat’. It was worse than being rude, which is about how I behave. Worse than being a bitch, which is about how I am as a person. It was about how I look, which is my greatest failure. Nothing I said was valid to her, because I am fat.
In front of 12 and 13 year old girls, she single handedly confirmed what they all suspect and fear – that no matter what you do or how you behave, the worst thing you can do is get fat.
You’re FAT.
That one sentence stuck in my head. I stood in front of hundreds of parents, students and colleagues. Humiliated, ashamed and yes I will admit it, feeling pretty bloody shit about how I look. I have been working 70 hour weeks. I am fat, so I was wearing some ugly stretchy pants and the only national costume I can fit, a black tee shirt. The uniform of fat middle aged women everywhere.
You’re FAT.
Because she didn’t mean you’re fat. Anyone with eyes can see that about me. She meant I was ugly. Worthless. A failed woman. Fat.
I internalize my feelings. I literally eat them. I worry about my son, who has learning disabilities. I worry about money, because I’m a single parent. I worry about doing well at my job, because it’s demanding and I cannot fail at it. I eat all that. Maybe if I went around being more of a bitch I wouldn’t be so fat. Or not, maybe it is just genetic heritage meets 21st century food wealth. I know I lack self control around food and I suspect it’s because I have always had that voice inside me saying ‘you’re not worth it’.
You’re rude. Yeah, I was rude, I had no business shooting her that teacher look and I own that one.
You’re a bitch. Well OK, you don’t know me and maybe that one interaction justifies a first impression of me as bitchy. I can be mean. I’m human.
You’re FAT. Yes. I’m fat. But I am NOT worthless, or ugly.
And I am not the kind of person who swans into a school, acts like a bigshot, and verbally abuses a tired teacher in front of students.
I’m fat. And you’re a bully.
(I made a couple of edits to this post. Just to clarify: this is not about calling out or getting revenge for me being upset. It is about what words really mean, and how powerful they can be. It is also my own personal way of downloading the bad stuff and expressing my feelings, not a cause celebre.)
Last night, as I stood against one side of the hall, some people entered late. Not unusual, as the lightest smattering of rain can render taxi’s invisible and cause traffic gridlock on our tiny island, and we had just had a heavy downpour. They were talking loudly, which was unusual; because even though people sometimes come late and make a bit of noise finding a seat, it is all done with that kind of hunched over, apologetic shuffling in the dark. Actually only one of them was talking loudly, and she sounded a little like someone who has had one or two drinks and lost the volume control. (EDIT: People seem to have taken this to mean the lady concerned was drunk. And she was not, to my knowledge, intoxicated. She certainly wasn't staggering around shouting. She was just a little loud.) Eventually, the couple sat down nearby and the lady continued to talk really loudly, mimicking the dancers and commenting on them. It was low level, but I was tired and I love these kids and it’s not TV, performers can often hear chatter. Without thinking, I shot one of those laser beam ‘teacher looks’ over, the kind you use in assembly when someone is talking.
Now, the laser beam look is not something you should be shooting at another adult. It’s kind of rude and I should have actually done something more grown up, like politely asking her to be a bit quieter. Or maybe, just ignoring it. But the lady in question said to her partner that ‘That fat bitch is mad at me’.
That. Fat. Bitch. Is Mad At Me. I stared straight ahead, more upset than I have been in a long time. Was this a parent? I teach so many kids, I tried to imagine the horror of meeting her in a professional setting and hearing the words ‘fat bitch’ in my mind whilst talking to her. The man looked my way, and I leaned over and said as loud as I dared ‘It’s a live performance, the kids might hear you’. I actually doubt he could hear me, but I felt I had somewhat explained my grumpiness.
At the end of the show, I went outside and stood chatting to students. The word ‘bitch’ floating around in my head. I didn’t think my teacher look had been so bad, but I was standing next to some middle school girls and they were excited. There was a celebrity in the audience, and they were waiting to get autographs. Kimora Lee Simmons had come to see the daughter of a friend perform. The penny dropped. That’s why she looked familiar. As if summoned, she appeared in front of me.
I stepped towards her and started a sentence which, I will be honest, was about to be one of those terrible non apology things that amounted to “I’m not actually a bitch, I was just worried the kids would get distracted by the talking and sorry if I gave you a rude look’. Not stellar. But I was pretty annoyed about being called a bitch. It’s most definitely not a nice thing to say where I’m from. Or where I live now. Or anywhere, I think.
Before two words came out of my mouth her hand was in my face. ‘Don’t talk to me! You’re rude! You’re a bitch!’, she steps to one side and turns, then rounds on me with a vicious ‘And you’re FAT!’.
The Middle school girls were aghast. I looked at them and said ‘You still want her autograph?’. And I walked away.
You’re FAT.
Kimora Lee Simmons is wealthy, beautiful, and successful. She has had weight gains and losses, and she knows that the worst thing you can say to another woman is ‘you’re fat’. It was worse than being rude, which is about how I behave. Worse than being a bitch, which is about how I am as a person. It was about how I look, which is my greatest failure. Nothing I said was valid to her, because I am fat.
In front of 12 and 13 year old girls, she single handedly confirmed what they all suspect and fear – that no matter what you do or how you behave, the worst thing you can do is get fat.
You’re FAT.
That one sentence stuck in my head. I stood in front of hundreds of parents, students and colleagues. Humiliated, ashamed and yes I will admit it, feeling pretty bloody shit about how I look. I have been working 70 hour weeks. I am fat, so I was wearing some ugly stretchy pants and the only national costume I can fit, a black tee shirt. The uniform of fat middle aged women everywhere.
You’re FAT.
Because she didn’t mean you’re fat. Anyone with eyes can see that about me. She meant I was ugly. Worthless. A failed woman. Fat.
I internalize my feelings. I literally eat them. I worry about my son, who has learning disabilities. I worry about money, because I’m a single parent. I worry about doing well at my job, because it’s demanding and I cannot fail at it. I eat all that. Maybe if I went around being more of a bitch I wouldn’t be so fat. Or not, maybe it is just genetic heritage meets 21st century food wealth. I know I lack self control around food and I suspect it’s because I have always had that voice inside me saying ‘you’re not worth it’.
You’re rude. Yeah, I was rude, I had no business shooting her that teacher look and I own that one.
You’re a bitch. Well OK, you don’t know me and maybe that one interaction justifies a first impression of me as bitchy. I can be mean. I’m human.
You’re FAT. Yes. I’m fat. But I am NOT worthless, or ugly.
And I am not the kind of person who swans into a school, acts like a bigshot, and verbally abuses a tired teacher in front of students.
I’m fat. And you’re a bully.
(I made a couple of edits to this post. Just to clarify: this is not about calling out or getting revenge for me being upset. It is about what words really mean, and how powerful they can be. It is also my own personal way of downloading the bad stuff and expressing my feelings, not a cause celebre.)
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Rollercoaster going down, down
OK, so back to work was 4 weeks ago, 5 if you count the pre student prep week. Since then I have done exercise, not done exercise, restarted exercise, avoided exercise. My weight has gone up, never down. Once it seemed like maybe it had gone down and then this week, I am too afraid to weight myself because I think I am heavier than when I started.
I am not binge eating. In fact overall I am eating a lot better.
I don't understand what is happening.
But I am really stressed out, I have been since I got back to school.
As you can tell, I am not in a very positive frame of mind.
Things I am fretting about: (yes, this will be a list of negatives, my head is full of them today)
- How little I have to eat in order to lose weight. Eating a low calorie diet frightens me because every single time I have done it, I have ended up larger than ever. I don't want to be ANY larger. I KNOW low calorie diets are dangerous. But it's all that ever seems to work.
- How tired I am
- How on my own I am
- How embarrassed I am all the time about my size. I just imagine people are judging me every-time I eat anything. I hate going out anywhere now. Even though I know this is not rational or true.
So how do I turn all of this around? I don't know, I am stumped. I did make a pretty big decision the week before school camp. I resigned from my Head of Subject job, and put in a request to be allowed out of the Middle School. I need some distance from the place that refused to welcome and support my son. That was not the only reason of course, but it was definitely part of it.
To be honest, this funk has really centred around that decision (well the factors leading up to it as the decision itself feels great. Less money, but new challenges). That and a somewhat difficult child (who I love to bits! He just isn't the fully automatic model!) with lots of learning challenges and a big attitude, and just surviving day to day as a single parent.
It also didn't help having to go on camp with my class. I find them really challenging (not the camp itself, which is absolutely fine even with the spider alerts), because stuff with Dan ALWAYS unravels when I am not here. And camp makes me feel huge, incompetent and useless. (My dream is for them to hire just one fattie as an outdoor ed person - fatties apply now!)
Lastly, there seems to be a lot of shit on the net and around the place about how terrible fat people are, and how we are all ugly and awful and lazy and generally not fit to be viewed. That does start to get to you after a while. I do feel ugly (another irational thought, but media is EVERYWHERE), but I sure as shit am not lazy.
I suppose I just have to one day at a time it. Work has meant that I lost my way a bit, and I think my goals for this week need to be simple: (I had 5 goals here, but I came back and changed them, because even my goal-setting got snarlified!)
1. Go to bed at 9:30
2. Write down three good things each night for the day.
Here are my first 3 good things:
I had a great sleep in after arriving home exhausted yesterday
I wrote in my blog and it made me feel better
My friend got a super cool job, which made me smile
I am not sure how to avoid the sad days. But I can look for happy minutes as a start, right?
I am not binge eating. In fact overall I am eating a lot better.
I don't understand what is happening.
But I am really stressed out, I have been since I got back to school.
As you can tell, I am not in a very positive frame of mind.
Things I am fretting about: (yes, this will be a list of negatives, my head is full of them today)
- How little I have to eat in order to lose weight. Eating a low calorie diet frightens me because every single time I have done it, I have ended up larger than ever. I don't want to be ANY larger. I KNOW low calorie diets are dangerous. But it's all that ever seems to work.
- How tired I am
- How on my own I am
- How embarrassed I am all the time about my size. I just imagine people are judging me every-time I eat anything. I hate going out anywhere now. Even though I know this is not rational or true.
So how do I turn all of this around? I don't know, I am stumped. I did make a pretty big decision the week before school camp. I resigned from my Head of Subject job, and put in a request to be allowed out of the Middle School. I need some distance from the place that refused to welcome and support my son. That was not the only reason of course, but it was definitely part of it.
To be honest, this funk has really centred around that decision (well the factors leading up to it as the decision itself feels great. Less money, but new challenges). That and a somewhat difficult child (who I love to bits! He just isn't the fully automatic model!) with lots of learning challenges and a big attitude, and just surviving day to day as a single parent.
It also didn't help having to go on camp with my class. I find them really challenging (not the camp itself, which is absolutely fine even with the spider alerts), because stuff with Dan ALWAYS unravels when I am not here. And camp makes me feel huge, incompetent and useless. (My dream is for them to hire just one fattie as an outdoor ed person - fatties apply now!)
Lastly, there seems to be a lot of shit on the net and around the place about how terrible fat people are, and how we are all ugly and awful and lazy and generally not fit to be viewed. That does start to get to you after a while. I do feel ugly (another irational thought, but media is EVERYWHERE), but I sure as shit am not lazy.
I suppose I just have to one day at a time it. Work has meant that I lost my way a bit, and I think my goals for this week need to be simple: (I had 5 goals here, but I came back and changed them, because even my goal-setting got snarlified!)
1. Go to bed at 9:30
2. Write down three good things each night for the day.
Here are my first 3 good things:
I had a great sleep in after arriving home exhausted yesterday
I wrote in my blog and it made me feel better
My friend got a super cool job, which made me smile
I am not sure how to avoid the sad days. But I can look for happy minutes as a start, right?
Monday, August 12, 2013
Back to work.
Holy crapoly. Back to school today. I did really well, got up at 5:15 AM. AM!!!!!! and had a yoghurt. (Had to force it in but it did the trick, I am sure my body will get used to having food foisted on it at such and unreasonable hour eventually. After all, aversion to food is not what got me here blogging about losing weight, hur hur.
Got on elliptical. Did 30 minutes of that which was broken into parts as I could not push through as well as I might later in the day. (Have yet to do 30 minutes without a pause for horrified breathing anyway though).
Got weights and mat out. Did some really bad weight training. Well so-so weight training. Well kind of more weight dancing than training.
Ate a very healthy breakfast of wholegrain cereal and blueberries and stuff.
Got myself ready to leave the house by about 7:10am (I was walking so needed to get going).
Spent the morning feeling totally awesome and full of beans.
Endured hours, I mean HOURS of meetings broken up only by one 15 minute break and an hour for lunch. Tried to be productive at 3pm but ended up in the cafe buying cookies and coffee. This is really the only solution to meetings. Because meetings are brain fry-ers.
Sigh.
I will be OK. I guess. I need to get my head around these calories though. And I need to stay the hell away from that cafe.
Aim for tomorrow before school: Do the elliptical, or at least walk elliptically away from that cafe.
Got on elliptical. Did 30 minutes of that which was broken into parts as I could not push through as well as I might later in the day. (Have yet to do 30 minutes without a pause for horrified breathing anyway though).
Got weights and mat out. Did some really bad weight training. Well so-so weight training. Well kind of more weight dancing than training.
Ate a very healthy breakfast of wholegrain cereal and blueberries and stuff.
Got myself ready to leave the house by about 7:10am (I was walking so needed to get going).
Spent the morning feeling totally awesome and full of beans.
Endured hours, I mean HOURS of meetings broken up only by one 15 minute break and an hour for lunch. Tried to be productive at 3pm but ended up in the cafe buying cookies and coffee. This is really the only solution to meetings. Because meetings are brain fry-ers.
Sigh.
I will be OK. I guess. I need to get my head around these calories though. And I need to stay the hell away from that cafe.
Aim for tomorrow before school: Do the elliptical, or at least walk elliptically away from that cafe.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Day 1 complete - almost
Countdown commencing, day one almost put to bed. Did I do well? Um, not sure. I did a bunch of really healthy stuff and then ate some unhealthy stuff and then saw a photo of myself on Facebook that made me want to cry. So just a normal day, really. One thing I have noticed about life in general is how much bloody STUFF is running around in my head at any given moment. I really have taken on too much - too much work, too much extra stuff (i.e., the dreaded Masters), too much food... too much. Without realising it, I joined a carousel and I don't even know why. I just recognise that there is a part of me that wants to keep moving and busy and that feels things are under control that way. Interesting.
Well tomorrow is Day 2, and I am off to the beach which will be great for thinking about all kinds of stuff. And maybe figuring out how to put indentations and paragraphs into these posts.
No, you know what, actually Day one kicked ass. And I am deleting that photo from my feed, because I don't need to be discouraged like that. And I finished clearing out a cupboard!
night night world xo
Monday, July 29, 2013
Whyfore is this blog?
This blog is really just for me to keep track of how I am doing health-wise, weight-wise, lifestyle-wise. It will not be of a huge amount of interest to anyone other than me, but if you ARE reading it feel free to comment. I'd like to ask you to keep it encouraging and positive focused. I am not setting myself up as any kind of inspirational guru or expert in the making, nor am I am aiming to be funny or entertaining or even smart in this blog.
But I do need encouragement in order to keep things moving along, and it seemed to me this morning that this was an ideal compromise. This way, I can do my ranting and venting and over-sharing, and it is not in everyone's face, and I don't have to deal with feeling guilty about cluttering people's feeds with my physical minutiae.
I am attempting to focus on a short term, 90 day goal for eating healthily and exercising more. Part vanity (yes, ten years of being a fat woman has utterly sucked, and despite my belief in my worth as a person, I am not really happy with the way I look), and part health (in the past 12 months I have had some serious health problems occur which are all improved by losing weight). So, I really, really need to stick to it. It will be hard because obesity is a pretty complex disorder - I have metabolic issues, I have physical issues, and I have a lot of pretty deep-set emotional issues. These all combine to create a near perfect storm of opposition to rational behaviour when it comes to food.
My thinking right now, is that while I realise consistency and moderation is key with exercise and food - it is also true with thinking. So my aim in the blog is to keep my mind focused on what is really important. I am starting by setting some fairly specific goals for the 90 days. I say fairly specific because they may change, as in they may become clearer to me as I get better at reflecting. Here goes for now:
1: I will get the balance of my work and home lives better, so my 90 goal is to not do any school paperwork on the weekends, and to finish all school paperwork by 6pm on weekdays, and spend time with my son no matter how behind I am with anything. (I will need to attend some weekend rehearsals for plays)
2: I will lose a minimum of 10kg in 90 days, so my goal is to eat plenty of lean meat and protein, lots of vegetables and fruit, and the healthiest carbs/ grains I can. I also need to avoid alcohol and fatty foods because of my liver problem.
3: I will consistently do 300 minutes of exercise per week over the 90 days, I will need to do a majority of this first thing when I wake up in order to fit it in. 4: I will write in this blog every night before bedtime.
This is a pretty personal journal, I have no problem with people reading it and helping me to stay focused but please don't be disappointed if it is a bit dull. Especially at first!
But I do need encouragement in order to keep things moving along, and it seemed to me this morning that this was an ideal compromise. This way, I can do my ranting and venting and over-sharing, and it is not in everyone's face, and I don't have to deal with feeling guilty about cluttering people's feeds with my physical minutiae.
I am attempting to focus on a short term, 90 day goal for eating healthily and exercising more. Part vanity (yes, ten years of being a fat woman has utterly sucked, and despite my belief in my worth as a person, I am not really happy with the way I look), and part health (in the past 12 months I have had some serious health problems occur which are all improved by losing weight). So, I really, really need to stick to it. It will be hard because obesity is a pretty complex disorder - I have metabolic issues, I have physical issues, and I have a lot of pretty deep-set emotional issues. These all combine to create a near perfect storm of opposition to rational behaviour when it comes to food.
My thinking right now, is that while I realise consistency and moderation is key with exercise and food - it is also true with thinking. So my aim in the blog is to keep my mind focused on what is really important. I am starting by setting some fairly specific goals for the 90 days. I say fairly specific because they may change, as in they may become clearer to me as I get better at reflecting. Here goes for now:
1: I will get the balance of my work and home lives better, so my 90 goal is to not do any school paperwork on the weekends, and to finish all school paperwork by 6pm on weekdays, and spend time with my son no matter how behind I am with anything. (I will need to attend some weekend rehearsals for plays)
2: I will lose a minimum of 10kg in 90 days, so my goal is to eat plenty of lean meat and protein, lots of vegetables and fruit, and the healthiest carbs/ grains I can. I also need to avoid alcohol and fatty foods because of my liver problem.
3: I will consistently do 300 minutes of exercise per week over the 90 days, I will need to do a majority of this first thing when I wake up in order to fit it in. 4: I will write in this blog every night before bedtime.
This is a pretty personal journal, I have no problem with people reading it and helping me to stay focused but please don't be disappointed if it is a bit dull. Especially at first!
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