Thursday, May 21, 2015

I'm the Village

On Wednesday I met with the wonderful Liza, who is going to help me with nutrition and food and how to set goals and I suspect, have a proper spring clean of my brain.

Typically for me, I met her at the not-quite-end of a really busy day. There wasn't really time but I just double booked and left my Grade 11 students watching their weekly film. (They were all tucked up in bean bags at the boarding house surrounded by teachers, so it isn't quite as crazy as it sounds). But my head was full of work.

We have been studying the Japanese Golden Age of Cinema, and the film was The Seven Samurai, directed by Akira Kurosawa. I have seen this film many times, and introduced to students who have hopefully come to appreciate it as much as I do. Its not an easy film for a young audience, especially since it is over three hours long. But we were only planning to watch the first half, and then they could catch the rest for homework. So on Tuesday I had sat down and set out some tasks for the class to help them focus on certain aspects for analysis.

I wrote about how the film is structured; it is in three parts, each one is slightly over one hour long. The plot has a simple set up, a poor farming village in feudal Japan is threatened by Brigands. The villagers decide to recruit a samurai to protect them, even though this seems to be an impossible idea; especially given the strict social codes of the times. The farmers know nothing of fighting and defense, and samurai are a proud class; they would see no honour in working for the few simple meals the villagers can offer them.

The parts are as follows:

1. Recruiting the samurai to defend the village
2. The recruited samurai and the villages prepare for the war
3. The actual war between the village and the brigands

This is a very common movie plot set-up now, especially in the action hero movies any mother of young boys is familiar with; even 'A Bugs Life' uses it. But Kurosawa was one of the very first to use it. He may even have invented it.

Why am I rabbiting on about this film I hear you asking?

Well, I finished talking with Liza. She is an amazing person; non-judgemental, informative, and she gave me a real boost without seeming effusive (which always comes across as a bit fake to me). And I sat in the office to do a bit more work, and then wandered down to get my bicycle and ride home. And when I hopped on my bike I thought, 'I'm the village!'. I have been feeling threatened lately. Threatened by my own inner 'demons' for want of a better term. I am a smart person, so I know that my past regressions into bad eating and weight gain have been a complex act of self sabotage. I am encircled by brigands. And now I am assembling some samurai to help me overcome them.

Liza had suggested I get two books, one to write down my goals and aspirations, and one to write down how I got to here. A curation of my life essentially. Like many metaphors, my 'Seven Samurai' link won't stand up to a very close inspection. And it might be puzzling to people that I have found inspiration in a centuries old Japanese code of ethics. So I should point out that for 20 years I studied Aikido and learned Iaido (essentially the art of drawing a katana or Japanese sword in a controlled and smooth movement), before my knees and demons saw me set it all to one side. But that kind of practise gets in deep, and I understand the value of bushido as a discipline of thought and action. And I need it. I cannot save myself without help, no matter how impossible it seems, I can make it if I am open to learning from others and accepting assistance.

Also, how cool is it that I was watching that film on that day?

I am the village.




Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Before

So, right now I am in the before stage. And I have been here before. Many times. Its that time when you finally realise you have been avoiding mirrors, have stopped glancing in windows as you walk past, that you more or less flee a room as soon as a camera appears, and that looking in the mirror in the mornings involves a lot of cursory glances and not too much detailed checking.

So my biggest fear is not that I won't be able to do it. I know I can, I have done it before! I have been 'on a diet' since I was 16 years old. No, my fear is purely from my history. Every time I have lost weight, I have put it back on plus another 5kg. I don't want to be another 5kg heavier than I am. I am already bigger than anything I can buy here off the rack. I buy clothing simply because it is in my size, even if I hate it. (And there are a lot of fashion crimes committed in the plus size racks). I cannot find a bra that does not dig into my body painfully. My underwear could double as a parachute. I do not like it, and I don't want to look back at this weight and think 'if only I was that small again'.

Its easy to slip into the 'I am only doing this for my health' and 'I will feel better physically'. I have some weight related health issues; snoring, fatty liver, some knee and foot pain. It is important to be healthy and being fit will improve my sense well-being. But if I am honest it isn't really the reason I am in a panic about my weight. I look in the mirror now and I literally don't recognise myself. This isn't because of age, its because sometime between chin one and chin two, I have started to look like my Dad. Now, I have never been a person who thought of myself as a looker. I am not saying this to garner sympathy, it is partly a lack of self belief but also I just haven't got classic good looks. However I always knew how to get my glam on and I had a bit of a style that made me happy. My style now is more of a Viet Cong chic: everything is black and slightly loose.

I was looking for a photo to put on here as a 'before' but I have hidden from cameras so much I don't think I have one. I'll keep trying. I will be honest; I am in analysis paralysis. I want to lose weight, but I don't seem to be able to focus on it or get started. I keep thinking about it, but I don't actually make it past 10am. Food for me is a coping mechanism and clearly I have a lot to cope with!

I can't wait to meet Liz and Sam and start figuring out how to get my head sorted. I am sure that if that happens, the rest will follow.

But for now, here I am, before (again).