Before

So, right now I am in the before stage. And I have been here before. Many times. Its that time when you finally realise you have been avoiding mirrors, have stopped glancing in windows as you walk past, that you more or less flee a room as soon as a camera appears, and that looking in the mirror in the mornings involves a lot of cursory glances and not too much detailed checking.

So my biggest fear is not that I won't be able to do it. I know I can, I have done it before! I have been 'on a diet' since I was 16 years old. No, my fear is purely from my history. Every time I have lost weight, I have put it back on plus another 5kg. I don't want to be another 5kg heavier than I am. I am already bigger than anything I can buy here off the rack. I buy clothing simply because it is in my size, even if I hate it. (And there are a lot of fashion crimes committed in the plus size racks). I cannot find a bra that does not dig into my body painfully. My underwear could double as a parachute. I do not like it, and I don't want to look back at this weight and think 'if only I was that small again'.

Its easy to slip into the 'I am only doing this for my health' and 'I will feel better physically'. I have some weight related health issues; snoring, fatty liver, some knee and foot pain. It is important to be healthy and being fit will improve my sense well-being. But if I am honest it isn't really the reason I am in a panic about my weight. I look in the mirror now and I literally don't recognise myself. This isn't because of age, its because sometime between chin one and chin two, I have started to look like my Dad. Now, I have never been a person who thought of myself as a looker. I am not saying this to garner sympathy, it is partly a lack of self belief but also I just haven't got classic good looks. However I always knew how to get my glam on and I had a bit of a style that made me happy. My style now is more of a Viet Cong chic: everything is black and slightly loose.

I was looking for a photo to put on here as a 'before' but I have hidden from cameras so much I don't think I have one. I'll keep trying. I will be honest; I am in analysis paralysis. I want to lose weight, but I don't seem to be able to focus on it or get started. I keep thinking about it, but I don't actually make it past 10am. Food for me is a coping mechanism and clearly I have a lot to cope with!

I can't wait to meet Liz and Sam and start figuring out how to get my head sorted. I am sure that if that happens, the rest will follow.

But for now, here I am, before (again).