OK, so back to work was 4 weeks ago, 5 if you count the pre student prep week. Since then I have done exercise, not done exercise, restarted exercise, avoided exercise. My weight has gone up, never down. Once it seemed like maybe it had gone down and then this week, I am too afraid to weight myself because I think I am heavier than when I started.
I am not binge eating. In fact overall I am eating a lot better.
I don't understand what is happening.
But I am really stressed out, I have been since I got back to school.
As you can tell, I am not in a very positive frame of mind.
Things I am fretting about: (yes, this will be a list of negatives, my head is full of them today)
- How little I have to eat in order to lose weight. Eating a low calorie diet frightens me because every single time I have done it, I have ended up larger than ever. I don't want to be ANY larger. I KNOW low calorie diets are dangerous. But it's all that ever seems to work.
- How tired I am
- How on my own I am
- How embarrassed I am all the time about my size. I just imagine people are judging me every-time I eat anything. I hate going out anywhere now. Even though I know this is not rational or true.
So how do I turn all of this around? I don't know, I am stumped. I did make a pretty big decision the week before school camp. I resigned from my Head of Subject job, and put in a request to be allowed out of the Middle School. I need some distance from the place that refused to welcome and support my son. That was not the only reason of course, but it was definitely part of it.
To be honest, this funk has really centred around that decision (well the factors leading up to it as the decision itself feels great. Less money, but new challenges). That and a somewhat difficult child (who I love to bits! He just isn't the fully automatic model!) with lots of learning challenges and a big attitude, and just surviving day to day as a single parent.
It also didn't help having to go on camp with my class. I find them really challenging (not the camp itself, which is absolutely fine even with the spider alerts), because stuff with Dan ALWAYS unravels when I am not here. And camp makes me feel huge, incompetent and useless. (My dream is for them to hire just one fattie as an outdoor ed person - fatties apply now!)
Lastly, there seems to be a lot of shit on the net and around the place about how terrible fat people are, and how we are all ugly and awful and lazy and generally not fit to be viewed. That does start to get to you after a while. I do feel ugly (another irational thought, but media is EVERYWHERE), but I sure as shit am not lazy.
I suppose I just have to one day at a time it. Work has meant that I lost my way a bit, and I think my goals for this week need to be simple: (I had 5 goals here, but I came back and changed them, because even my goal-setting got snarlified!)
1. Go to bed at 9:30
2. Write down three good things each night for the day.
Here are my first 3 good things:
I had a great sleep in after arriving home exhausted yesterday
I wrote in my blog and it made me feel better
My friend got a super cool job, which made me smile
I am not sure how to avoid the sad days. But I can look for happy minutes as a start, right?
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